Well, here it is - the first Users' Guide to FK-Vampires.
At least I assume (hope?) that nobody has done something like this before.
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Archive: Permission to archive is given to Mel Moser for her wonderful Fanfiction-Site. Anyone else, please ask.
Users' Guide to FK-Vampires
Congratulations! You have purchased the most charming pet known to man - a vampire! Vampires are long-lived creatures, so, with proper care, your vampire will probably outlive you. In order to keep your new FK-vampire fit and healthy, please read these instructions carefully.
Feeding your Vampire
Vampires are easy to keep. They require only one source of sustenance - human blood. Feeding your vampire its natural food will help keep it in top shape.
If you do not wish to feed your pet from yourself, you can obtain human blood from your local blood bank or your local coroner. Or call 1-800-LACROIX for a list of shops that stock human blood.
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Animal blood is a poor substitute for your pets natural food and should be given only in emergencies!
NEVER FEED ANIMAL BLOOD TO A FLEDGLING VAMPIRE!
Extremely young vampires, called fledglings, are very delicate creatures and require special care. Feeding them animal blood will invariably impede their development. Fledglings who have been raised solely on animal blood later exhibit lower-than-average intelligence, poor flying abilities,and other handicaps.
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Never feed your vampire solid foods!
Solid food will make your pet violently ill.
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Never feed protein shakes, either. Protein shakes are an even poorer substitute than animal blood. Even mature vampires will soon exhibit serious health problems, ranging from overall weakness, to inability to fly, to severe depression if fed on protein shakes.
Your Vampire's Physiology
Your vampire's heart beats only once in ten minutes, and its body temperature is well below that of a human being. Blood pressure is practically unmeasurable.
Please note that sleeping or unconscious vampires may easily be mistaken for dead humans, scaring many a coroner half to death when waking up on a dissection table.
Your Vampire's Abilitities
Vampires are physically strong, they have a photographic memory, and they possess the ability to fly and to hypnotize human beings (the latter to varying degrees). They also heal very quickly if injured (Please do not try this at home!) and almost never require medical help. They are immune to all known diseases. The few things vampires are allergic to are easily avoided. Your FK-vampire does not require vaccinations of any kind. However, if you wish to travel abroad with your vampire, please contact your destination countries' consulate for information on importing pets. Some countries require an authorized veterinary certificate of health, others require pets to be quarantined.
Vampires and Sunlight
IMPORTANT NOTE:
Never expose your vampire to direct sunlight!
Vampires are night-creatures and therefore photophobic. While they have no trouble with artificial lighting, direct sunlight is extremely detrimental to their health. It causes painful burns, and longer exposure will result in spontaneous combustion of your vampire!
Vampires and Religious Icons
Do not expose your vampire to religious icons of any kind!
Most vampires exhibit an irrational fear of religious icons - and you certainly do not wish to scare the little fellow.
Vampires and Garlic
Vampires are allergic to garlic. The smell of garlic makes them dizzy and nauseous.
DO NOT EAT GARLIC IN OR PRIOR TO THE PRESENCE OF YOUR VAMPIRE!
It would be very distressing for it, even make it violently ill.
Vampires and Hygiene
Your vampire is a cleanly creature and likes to bathe daily.
Your Vampire's sleeping accomodations
Unlike other types of vampire, your FK-vampire does not require a coffin. It will be most happy to sleep in a normal bed, provided the linens are changed regularly (see: Vampires and Hygiene) and the room is sealed against sunlight.
Vampires and Small Children
Being active mostly during the night, a vampire is not the right pet if you happen to have small children.
Your kids would be very disappointed if they cannot play with your pet - and your pet will suffer if wakened during its natural sleeping time every day.
If you happen to have children, you should reconsider getting a vampire.
Vampires and Angst
Some male vampires tend to be angsty. This is not a flaw - indeed it often makes the individual vampire even more endearing. However, you should not allow your vampire to brood too much. Play with it, give it the affection and attention it needs, and it will soon return to its usual charming self.
Frequently asked Questions
My vampire does not take human blood - what do I do?
Your vampire is probably angsty. Reassure it that the blood comes from a donor, and that no human beings have been harmed in order to feed the vampire.
My vampire still refuses to feed - what do I do?
Call 1-800-LACROIX for advice.
My vampire's eyes are yellow - what does it mean?
This is nothing to be alarmed about. Vampires are sensitive creatures. The change in eye color merely indicates that your vampire is scared, angry, hungry, or aroused.
My vampire's eyes are red - what does it mean?
See above.
My vampire has been exposed to sunlight - what do I do?
Feed well, and let the poor thing rest. The burns should heal quickly. If necessary, apply burnsalve.
My vampire has been exposed to garlic - what do I do?
As soon as the nausea passes, feed well and let your vampire rest. In case your vampire ingested garlic, call 1-800-LACROIX for further advice.
My vampire has been exposed to a religious icon - what do I do?
Immediately remove the religious icon and reassure your vampire. In case of burns, see section "My vampire has been exposed to sunlight".
In closing, we would like to thank you for giving a vampire a new home, and wish you many happy years with your new pet.
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